"You shouldn't have done it like that": What does it really mean?

When I was working on my student-led anti-racism project Active Together, I was not very knowledgeable about how to handle microaggressions. I was in (and still am in) a process of learning and unlearning everything I thought I knew about discrimination. 

This meant sometimes I put myself in unsafe positions without always understanding why they weren't safe. I was just passionate and wanted quick change. 

Active Together stemmed from the racism I faced in my polo club at the university, so I decided to go back to that club and try and change the culture there for the better. 

I messaged the clubs Facebook page (which stated if you have any queries you can message them), and I asked them what the club was doing to create an active anti-racist environment. They emailed me back an EDI action plan they were made to make by the Athletics Union, that simply stated "we recognise the club is very white". 

I wasn't very happy about this response, it was not an action, it was an observation. 

I asked the current club captain if we could have a chat about what I experienced in the past, and offer FREE advice on how they can improve the culture. She said a hesitant yes, but still decided to send me a very defensive email including statements saying things like:

"We are not a racist club, we welcome everyone" 

"we have international students on our committee" 

"it's different now". 

(The club was racist, the one international student was white and extremely wealthy, and it certainly wasn't different). 

We ended up organising a call, but what the club captain refused to tell me was she had also invited a man from the Athletics Union to join. I would have been fine with this if she just told me, so it put me on guard from the start. 

The narrative of the conversation was me explaining my concerns about the culture of the club, based on my own and others' experiences. Despite being the 'victim' in this narrative, the man in the call spent most of it ensuring the white club captain was okay. 

She began to cry. 

I will state this firmly and clearly. When we are talking about instances of racism or experiences of discrimination in the space, white tears should not be there. Do that in private if you must, but not here. 

It was an act of self-centring. The conversation immediately turned from me saying I feel uncomfortable with the club and this whole situation, to her crying and me looking like a villain. 

The call ended and I reflected on one thing that changed my activism forever:

I left that call feeling worse, and she left that call feeling better. 

With this frustration, in a follow-up call with the Athletics Union, I told the director of my negative experiences and how these clubs do not know how to handle themsevles, and your staff clearly do not know how to facilitate it. This is when I was met with: 

"You shouldn't have done it like that" 

It truly shocked me, and was a traumatic experience, especially following how horrible I felt in the first meeting. 

She proceeded to tell me I should not have messaged the club on Facebook, that I should not have asked to have a casual chat, and that I should not have made her cry. 

Luckily, my supportive friend was in the call with me, and when I had to turn off my camera and mic to have a breakdown and cry, she explained to the woman why what she just said was purely wrong. 

I don't really remember what happened after that, I believe she tried apologising, but its always too late. 

I then began to think: Should I have done it differently? 

With self reflection, yes. But not because of the reasons that the others told me. 

I should have done it differently because I unknowingly put myself in a dangerous situation - but that is not my fault, that is their fault for being that way. I would do it differently, but I did not have this knowledge at that time, so how on earth would I know? 

Within any sort of equity work or activism, there is always this element of "did I handle that correctly?", or a feeling of guilt if you later reflect on instances from the past and think, I could have been different. 

It's really hard to deal with, especially in an area that has no right answers. There are recommendations but overall, how you enact yourself can depends on things like:

• Comfortability of the space 
• People you are with 
• Personal feelings on that day 
• The level of surprise
• The day of the week 
• Anxiety
• If you're on your period 
• If its rained outside 
• If you feel like it or not

I make this point to first iterate that however you chose to either stand up for yourself, or defend yourself in any similar situations, is most likely valid, and hindsight is a beautiful thing but misleading. 

The internal monologue that takes place is hard enough to deal with, let alone when people try and impose on that narrative. 

It's also important to highlight how a lot of the time, some of the actions we might regret - say for myself, its acting too much out of strong negative emotion - its not our fault for this. I wanted quick and effective change, but the system didn't allow for that to happen as simply as it should, and that's frustrating, no wonder I felt so strongly! 

I wanted to make that validation very very clear, but if you do want some tips on things you could do if you want to react, here are a few I have been taught over the years: 

• Take a step back: If you do not know what to say in the moment, whether in a casual chat or an important meeting, you're allowed to say things like "I am not going to answer that in this moment (or at all)", and "We can carry this conversation outside of this meeting as I think its important we address it". 
• Have people who are safe with you if these moments are anticipated: Surround yourself with validating people, even if it happens you can reflect on it with people who will support you, and not question your experiences. 
• Get them to repeat the question or statement: Sometimes, people are stupid, and sometimes something as simple as getting them to repeat their own stupid questions is enough to make them realise what they said was wrong, or gives them a chance to re-word themselves. 
• You don't have to react: No matter what, you never HAVE to say anything, especially if you are the victim of a microaggression. This option is always applicable. 
• Take a few moments to think before responding: These things are emotional, especially if its any kind of discrimination, feel free to take a few moments to think about an answer and reflect on your feelings, or even ask people "can you give me a few moments and come back to me to think about it". 

You do not owe anyone a response, and they are not always entitled to one.