“We all skinwalk - change shapes, identities, from time to time, during the course of a day, during the course of our lives. I think about how we create these identities, how they are created for us, how they change, and how we reconcile these changes as we go along.” - Scales-Trent, 1995.
I think about this quote a lot. I think about how racial identities are socially constructed, deconstructed, moved, and created depending on the space, place, and people.
As discussed in my last blog, I identify as a Chinese Mixed-Heritage woman. My family has a rich history filled with empowerment, pain, knowledge, and beauty, and my racial identity is something I am not only proud of, but empowered by.
I understand that the concept of the 'Mixed' experience is not something many people are aware of, it requires a complex understanding of how racial identities are constructed and revealed, and asks you to unlearn a lot about what you think race is. Here, I will share my experience as a Mixed-Heritage woman in higher education, but this is by no means a shared experience with all 'Mixed' individuals. There are so many complexities and beautiful narratives that come with this racial identity, so I want to make it abundantly clear that this is purely my own. Despite this, I hope other 'Mixed' individuals can find comfort in this narrative knowing they are not alone.
I have made a similar blog to this before, with a slight update, if you would like to see that one it can be found here.
The term Chinese Mixed-Heritage
Chinese Mixed-Heritage is a term I only recently started to use, thanks to my amazing leadership coach, Michelle Moore. It might sound silly, but I never felt like I could assert myself as Chinese. Michelle taught me that funnily enough, I can identify myself however I want (crazy, right?).
My whole life, I described myself as 'Mixed-Race', which was fine and I felt comfortable with the term, but I finally found the power to say no, I am a Chinese Mixed-Heritage woman, and if anyone has a problem with that, they have a problem with me, and I have a problem with you.
It feels so empowering to assert an identity that is MINE, not something that anyone else has chosen, but one I have chosen for myself, one that puts my Chinese heritage first and reminds myself and others of my history and culture on a daily basis.
If you identify as 'Mixed' in any way - that is YOUR identity. Others will try and tell you what you appear to be to make themselves more comfortable in their own backwards ways of thinking, but YOU choose your identity, you make your power.
Racism as a Chinese Mixed-Heritage woman
As part of my anti-racism work, I share my story a lot, therefore I feel comfortable sharing some past experiences here. However, this does not mean others will, so please do not demand these stories from people, as they may not even understand them fully themselves.
Right, housekeeping out of the way, lets go back about 4-5 years.
Now, I have probably experienced many instances of racism, but my brain seems to have blocked a lot of those experiences out of my head - probably as a coping mechanism. However, the ones I can remember stem from my experiences in my polo club during my undergraduate degree.
Names of institutions and people will be left out of this conversation.
Polo was my favourite sport. I love horses, I love the feeling of playing as a team, I love the wind in my hair whilst I perform a sport that's difficult on the floor let alone on a moving animal. It allowed me to get physical activity while activating my brain to think about strategy.
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| Me playing polo |
So why did I stop? Racism. That's why.
Not only was this my sport, but this was my support system. All of my 'friends' were in this space, so I ignored many of the issues I faced within it until I was on the outside looking in. Here are a couple of anecdotes that exemplify my experiences being a Chinese Mixed-Heritage woman in a predominantly white space, that show how as the quote states, my identity was 'created for me'.
My polo club was attempting to find sponsorship for that year, to pay for our national's competitions and socials. We looked to Sports England, which required us to tell them the 'diversity' in the club. I was in the all-white committee at the time, and in this moment the president of the club turned to me and said 'well Rhianna, you're up'. Everyone laughed. I didn't. My partner at the time joked about how I was 'as ethnic as the club was willing to go'. He said to my face that only a Mixed-Heritage woman was allowed to enter this space, that they needed me for their precious sponsorship but didn't need my Chinese identity for anything else. They decided how ethnic I was allowed to be in this space.
You might be wondering why 1. I was dating this person (honestly, no idea), and 2. why I put up with this for so long. Well, I didn't see it. I saw them as jokes, much like the rest of the group. But I can tell you now they didn't feel like jokes. I look back and I forget how hurt I was from these comments, and wear these microaggressions as small paper cuts all over my body, that continue to hurt to this day.
The next example shows another way my identity is perceived by the same people, in the exact same environment. At my polo nationals competition, my team and I were having dinner before the celebratory event that evening. I was sat in between two white people. The man next to me had made a joke at the expense of Chinese people, I cannot remember what the joke was, but he turned to me and said "I'm sorry, Rhianna, I know you're Chinese I hope that wasn't offensive". I said no (although it probably was), and tried to move on, until the girl next to be said "Wait, you're Chinese?". I responded saying I am Mixed-Race, because you know.... I am.... that should be enough, right?
She then said "you're not really Chinese then, are you".
I paused for a moment. I was in shock. This woman had the audacity to tell me what my racial identity was. If you are reading this, I remember you, and it still hurts. The worst part is she won't remember that. She will be living her life like it never happened. That's the affect racial microaggressions can have, so keep that in mind. A lack of education can cause a lifetime of pain.
I find it so interesting how in one space, I need to offer proof of my ethnicity, but in others I get racist comments targeting my ethnicity.
A common occurrence in my life is people not believing I have Chinese heritage. Whether that's because of my face, because of the way I speak, because of my geographical location... I have no idea, but me simply saying my ethnicity is not always enough. People in the past have asked me to present some form of proof, the most recent being "speak Chinese then".
I do not speak Chinese - I do a little bit but not enough to class myself as fluent. I do not NEED to give a reason, but I will present it here as this is my space. My mother was born in Indonesia, but being Chinese in Indonesia in the 1960s was a dangerous place to be. She told me she had to change her Chinese name to an Indonesian one, that she had to burn books written in Chinese, and was stripped of a Chinese identity. My family had to flee the country for safety reasons, landing them in Kano, Nigeria. In this area of Nigeria, the main language spoken was English, but my mother still spoke Chinese at home. My mother and her four siblings moved to England for college/university, which is why I was born here. I don't speak Chinese because most of my family do not, and that does not make me less Chinese.
Whilst I waste my time convincing people of my identity, in similar spaces I get comments such as "do you eat bat soup" or "all of you are the same anyway". My whiteness only protects me to a certain extent.
I bring up these experiences to make a point: race is socially constructed, produced by whiteness and power. It enacts differently depending on its space and place, it changes, it moves, depending on who is in the space with it. In higher education it is only welcome when it benefits whiteness and colonial agendas. I question to what extent am I allowed in the space and am I not. What is my citizenship here?
The power of Mixed-Heritage bodies
I never like to end a conversation about racial experiences without an empowering end.
I attended a conference a few months ago that allowed me to meet an academic who reminded me of the power of my presence. How I could one day potentially be the first non-white academic teaching a student, how I could be the first academic to listen to a racialised minority student's experience, how I could make huge changes just from being in the room.
A wonderful paper I read quite recently by Mahtani (2002) taught me about this power. In her paper "Tricking the border guards: performing race", she talks about how some 'Mixed-race' women put into play racialised performances, to create new meanings of hierarchical and dualistic racial orders. She states that this 'performativity' came from 'Mixed-race' women recognising their complex role in a sea of social meaning, and how our bodies can disrupt people's perceptions of what they think race is.
I am not 'exotic', I refuse to be sexualised as many Asian Mixed-Heritage women are, don't as me "what are you", do not tell me what my racial identity is, and never think I will not call you out on your racial microaggressions if you do.
The most important thing I needed when entering my PhD research was a good support system, which I am honored to say I have. When I run out of energy and need a rest, my support system are there for me to continue the fight, to stand up for me, to just be there. I am not a fan of the term 'allyship' after I heard the words of Dr Yaba Blay in the podcast We can Do Hard Things, who uses the term 'accomplice' instead. To be a good accomplice, you need to be a part of that support system.
And when I do stand up for myself and it makes you uncomfortable,
That's your issue, not mine.
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