Quitting as activism: Leaving as a radical form of self-love

Recently, I left a student leadership role at my institution.

This was not because of a lack of capacity

This was not because I was not capable of doing the job to a high standard

And this was not because I necessarily wanted to.

I left because the environment was draining. The space itself did not allow my personal activism to flourish and grow the way it deserves to, and no space should ever make you feel this way. 

But, this is not a time to be sad, but a time to feel empowered. 

Leaving a job post, or leaving any position that is situated in a negative, toxic environment can be an empowering experience, that reminds you of your power, and how you have autonomy over who you surround yourself with, and what you expose your body and mind to. 

I always refer back to the life-changing work of bell hooks, who writes about love, space, and relationships in such a beautiful way. 

She writes how you need to love yourself in a way that helps you spiritually grow, and your environment and the people you surround yourself do have an impact on this feeling of self-love, more so than we tend to admit. 

She reminds us that, yes, there are power structures we have to enact ourselves within, but that does not mean we can't create our own spaces that allows our self-love to thrive rather than destroying it. 

Sometimes we do need to put ourselves in difficult spaces or uncomfortable places, but you need to think about what it is for, and more importantly, is it worth it. 

For example, as a PhD researcher, I see many researchers struggling to get through their academic work, as the space is not always the most equitable, or healthy in general. But some of us stay, because we know we want to be here, and for most, we want to finish. 

But, others decide it is not worth the pain the space might bring, and that's also empowering and valid - to not let the space take over who you are, that's pretty powerful. 

Quitting can be a powerful act of self-love 

Rather than framing this as "I am so sorry that you have had to leave", perhaps we frame "I am so happy you enacted your power and removed yourself from a bad environment" 

Neoliberal capitalist society has taught us that quitting makes us weak, promoting responses like this to my news, but in this instance, that is not necessary.  

For me, the space I left was not only draining and toxic, but not worth my love and skills. I got no joy from the work, so tell me, why stay?

Yes, one needs to learn to be 'resilient' (contested term), but when that 'resilience' becomes unworthy pain, we should not hold on. 

As an activist who self-reflects on a daily basis, I have gained the ability to feel empowered by my identity and sense of self. I realise that spaces that do not make me feel loved and valued do not deserve me, and I deserve more. 

I tell students enacting their own activism as much as possible, you deserve more than you get. 

When they are feeling overwhelmed and like they have failed, a lot of the time the issue is the lack of support they get, or how they are failed to be taught how to self-reflect on how space and environments make them feel. Sometimes these negative emotions are then associated with the self, rather than outside influence. 

Institutional and organisational change requires radical activism - and that activism can be quitting.

It means you do not let that space win, you did. 

This is why I find it so important to reflect on space: Who is really the problem? Probably not you.

It's important to add also, that I left on my own terms. I did not allow for those in the space to create a narrative for me, but I heavily stated my own reasoning, this was also extremely powerful. 

I felt powerful. 

The spaces I want to find myself in are empowering ones. If a space does not allow me to be my full, authentic, activist self, I cannot stay, for that would not be loving for anyone involved. 

I encourage you to analyse and deeply think about the spaces you find yourself in on a daily basis

How do you feel? 

Why do you think that is? 

Do you feel different in one space from another? 

What are the differences between your positive and negative spaces? 

It's a journey I am still on and will be for a very long time, but I am happy it has started.